How to Ruin Your Career as a Public Figure

1. Completely devote yourself to parapsychology.
2. Have the intern you were having an affair with suddenly disappear.
3. Get caught fapping in a movie theater or men’s public restroom.
4. Keep monkeys in your house and regularly have sleepovers with children you don’t know in the same bed.
5. Have sex with Paris Hilton.
6. Have videotaped sex with a member of any glam band.
7. Shoot a popular fellow artist in cold blood in public.
8. Gain thirty pounds, then perform in public wearing short-shorts.
9. Use a knife to attempt to remove your wife’s head and her male friend’s heart.
10. … then “run away” from the police at 15 miles per hour.
11. … then spend your time golfing while searching for the “real” killer.
12. … then write a book graphically describing why and how you did it, say it’s “fiction”, and call it If I Did It.
13. … then get convicted of armed robbery attempting to recover items auctioned off to support your wrongful-death settlement.
14. Videotape yourself peeing on a minor.
15. Have your same-sex lover run a homosexual prostitution ring out of your apartment.
16. Make fun of how retarded kids bowl on late night talk show.
17. Start a variety show where all you do is talk about being a lesbian and outing people as they come on.
18. Be female and scratch your crotch after butchering the National Anthem at a baseball game.
19. Tape-record yourself giving instructions to break in to the opposing political party’s headquarters, attempt to destroy those, but forget a few.
20. In a court of law, ask for the definition of the word “is”.
21. Hire a well-known African-American baseball player and then refer to him as your “million dollar nigger”.
22. After applying to be Federal Treasury Secretary, admit that you couldn’t figure out how to use TurboTax.
23. Find either Monica Lewinsky or Paula Jones attractive enough to risk your marriage and political career.
24. Fall down the steps of Air Force One more than once when it’s your wife who’s the alcoholic.
25. Appear in rehab more frequently than in the studio with the band you sing for.
26. Be Gary Busey.
27. Be a short little man and bounce on top of Oprah’s couch talking about how you believe aliens are corrupting society.
28. Refer to a women’s basketball team as “nappy-haired-hoes”.
29. Be a fat conservative talk show host and get your maid to feed your oxycontin addiction.
30. Have been a child star, especially on Diff’rent Strokes.
31. Be a fat, transvestite pop star and beat up your male escorts.
32. Leave a promising career on NYPD Blue to star in a bunch of shitty movies, only to come back on a spin-off series as a William Shatner analog.
33. Allow your pasty-looking nipple-pierce to be exposed during the halftime show of the Super Bowl.
34. Be a Jackson.
35. Vomit on the prime minister of a major foreign ally.
36. Be Vice President and unable to spell the name of a common tuber.
37. Start an unnecessary war in the Middle East at the start of a recession.
38. Tear up a photo of the Pope on live TV.
39. Write a book on the evils of Islam.
40. Be found murdered in your hotel room with signs of BDSM.
41. Die during auto-erotic self-asphyxiation.
42. Be the lead singer of Judas Priest when your name isn’t Rob Halford.
43. Be replaced by Sammy Hagar.
44. Replace Sammy Hagar with the dude from Extreme.
45. Have Ted McGinley appear as your co-star.
46. Be the star of two or more Lifetime movies.
47. Threaten to out a famous comedienne until she outs herself for being with you, then turn “straight” and get married.
48. Appear in a correspondence course college commercial.
49. Appear in a “sponsor a child in Africa” commercial.
50. Appear in an ambulence-chasing lawyer’s commercial.
51. Appear in an infomercial, unless your name is Billy Mays.
52. Get beat up by a hooker.
53. Take a combination of painkillers and antidepressants while staying with one of the Olsen Twins.
54. Defend the Falklands.
55. Put an arrest warrant out for the Dalai Lama.
56. Threaten to run people down with tanks for protesting in the street.
57. Open fire on protesting college students.
58. Be Pol Pot.
59. Be Governer Dewey.
60. Dress in a homemade Catwoman costume, then confront the director and star on-set after you didn’t get the role.
61. Marry a cokehead, then give a completely incoherent TV interview where people are taking bets on whether you’re on pot or drunk.
62. Be a widely-known drug-using punk, marry a variable addict with severe bipolar disorder, write songs filled with hate, then give a very self-serving speech after said spouse removes cranium with a shotgun.
63. Prove being Superman’s girlfriend isn’t easy by cutting off all your hair, living with a homeless guy, and hiding from the CIA in strangers’ backyards.
64. Marry K-Fed.
65. Squeal like a schoolgirl during your Presidential campaign.
66. Be Connie Chung.
67. Be anyone but Jerry Springer but do what he did.
68. Be one of Jesus’s best friends and then totally sell him out for less than a month’s salary.
69. Make your horse a senator.

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