Rules for online dating (part I)

After more than 20 “full release” relationships as well as numerous failed attempts from online dating, I have the following thoughts about online dating and the women that occupy it:

1. All women love nature and like having fun. All women claim to love dogs but own cats instead…
2. No woman wants someone who plays games (though it’s often unclear if THEY are alowed to play them).
3. All Filipinas want someone who is afraid of God (God-fearing), which is insane if God is love as Catholic and Protestant churches profess.
4. If you find an international woman online it is a better than 80% chance she is from a second world (developing) nation: China, The Philippines, Romania, Russia, Vietnam, Thailand…
5. Most women from North America GROSSLY underestimate their spherocity:
   1. “Curvy” does NOT = big tits because you are fat. “Cow tits” = big tits because you are fat. J. Lo is curvy, but you are just FAT.
   2. “Athletic and toned” does NOT = butch or “fat but working on it.” Gwen Stefani is athletic and toned. You are not.
   3. “About average” does NOT = 5’4″ 165lbs. Which average are you talking about? The average person who eats the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny’s every morning, the world average, or the HEALTHY average?
   4. I don’t think I need to cover “a few extra pounds”. 100 is more than “a few”.
   5. “Big and beautiful”… come on. It’s nice that you’re proud of your appearance, but if you are FAT it’s a ridiculous category. It should just be called “lard-ass”.
6. Women don’t understand that being fat does not mean being unattractive, so they LIE (play a game) in their profile. I have dated, been extremely horny for, and had incredible sex with fat women. They don’t want game players, but they play a game in their profile. Not cool, not fair, they deserve to be lubed up, anal fucked, and left crying. (Did I say that out loud?)
7. Any woman who wants someone with a six-digit income is a gold-digger.
8. Any woman who believes in astrology is certifiably insane and will defend her beliefs to the DEATH.
9. Any woman who posts more than one photo of a cat is either desperate or bitchy… so it’s a crap-shoot.
10. If a woman asks you if you will move to their country it means “Will you come here, find some unrealistic job, and support my family? When you inevitably fail to live up to my unreasonably high expectations, I will divorce you and ruin your life.”
11. If the picture is blurry, it usually means she’s ugly, fat, or so shy she won’t put out.
12. If the picture was taken at a weird angle, she’s fat.
13. If there is no picture, just don’t bother. She’s either a bitch who wants to control everything, or she’s so ugly she’s ashamed. It’s okay to be ugly, you could be fucking awesome in bed, I have had great experiences with ugly women who later seemed beautiful to me (K.F. where are you?), but hiding makes you seem lame.
14. If she won’t talk about sex in the fourth chat or third long mail, she’s going to be difficult FOREVER.
15. If she doesn’t send photos, she’s a hag. You can only move one space per turn.
16. If a woman has kids and doesn’t admit it… run.
17. If a woman has kids, admits it, and says “I’m looking for a good father”… run.
18. If a woman has kids, admits it, and says “I’m looking for a good husband”, make sure it’s not about the money. If so… run.
19. If a woman has been recently divorced… run.
20. If a woman has been recently widowed… RUN LIKE HELL.
21. If YOU have been recently divorced, find a tart… not a real relationship.
22. If all you do is go for tarts, don’t try a real woman.
23. Keep a second cell-phone.
24. Keep a dummy e-mail account for web sites and contacts. Then if things work out, give the real one. Any reasonable person would understand your caution. Most online services provide e-mail, but it sucks. So set up a dating account, and then give the other one, explaining you used the other to prevent spam caused by the site. Everyone who is worth it should understand.
25. If you have children, please stop saying “they are my world.” We understand and hope that your kids are important to you, but we’d at least like a shot at being the second most important thing in your life.
26. Use the “Best Feature” option with caution:
    1. Best feature: Tits = Fat.
    2. Best feature: Hair = Fat.
    3. Best feature: Eyes = Fat, maybe cute.
    4. Best feature: Brain = Fat AND bitchy.
27. And if you want to claim ass, waist, or anything else, you’d better have decent pictures of the area in question to back it up.
28. I’m all for freedom of religion and spirituality, but if you mention God more than five times in your profile, you’re out.

Related posts:

1. All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Hentai
2. Eat this Post-Modernist hags….
3. I’ll take “People Who Deserve To Be Shot” for $600, Alex
4. Observations I
5. Lesson for men…You cannot reason with women.