Today is a posting for all those pizza places that put friggin’ HAM on a pizza when I CLEARLY ask for bacon, even using my thickest Appalachian accent.

The lesson is as follows.

Insert Bacon here

Now. I hope this clears things up.

(p.s. Japanese groceries, you need to learn the same…)

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-MPM

Bacon is Good for Me

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“Hog futures: I heard that… Hogs don’t have no future. Bacon is not a career.”

—Gallagher, Gallagher: Stuck in the Sixties

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In this process, I looked back on all the times I wanted an excuse to bring a girl to my college dorm room and impress her somehow. If you can cook her a meal, I thought, it would be good, but I was perpetually frustrated by the lack of a decent kitchen. I myself like to eat well, and I was blessed by living in Cincinnati, which, despite its flaws, is a particularly good place to eat (though I got fat on Taiwanese food… hmm..)

After I had a nice big apartment (The Mosh Pit), I had the luxury of a huge kitchen and TWO fridges (albeit shared with the likes of culinary snob Thrasher, and Vegetarian Lothar, and pot-destroying Megadave). However, now, having returned to more caveman roots and needing to keep space-use to a minimum, I have again pondered how to eat well without breaking the bank, or the space limit. To that end, I bring you “The Dorm Gourmet.”

The focus is on building an initial stock of basic supplies and equipment (for you college readers this is read as “a list of stuff for mom to get you”), and then being able to prepare quality, impressive meals for 2-4 for under $20.

I will start with what you need to keep in stock. Most are long-lasting/non perishable, but some require the standard mini-fridge to keep.

In the interest of not cluttering up space on TMP.net’s front face, I will make the rest of this posting (an intro post as it is) a click-to-expand link.

What you will need to be a dorm gourmet:

Tools:
Hot Plate
750-800Watt Microwave
George Forman Mini Grill (2-4 pattie size)
Corningwear or similar ceramic vessles of 2quart
size that are microwaveable and bakeable
Large Spoon
12″ or 14″ Skillet
14″ Saucepan
Ziplock Sandwich Bags
ladle
pairing knife
large gnereal purpose knife
cutting board
two spoons
two forks
two knives
two big plates
two small plates
two cereal or soup bowls
two glasses
In the Fridge:

Milk
Mayonnaise (not Miracle whip unless you like it…)
Mustard
Ketchup
Tabasco (I use Chipotle and original)
Butter or Margarine
1 can of Cheap Beer
Parmesian Cheese
Grated Cheddar Cheese
Jam or Jelly
Bacon
Dill Pickles
Carrots
Salsa

In the Freezer:
Ice
Booze

In the Cupboard:

No Salt Mrs. Dash
Salt (sea salt in a grinder bottle is good)
Pepper (Black pepper in a grinder bottle)
Chinese Hot Chili Oil
Garlic Powder
Celery powder/Celery Salt
Oregano
Parsley
Sage
Rosmary
Thyme (thanks S&G)
Basil
Bay Leaves
Chili Powder
“Italian Seasoning”
Worcestershire Sauce
Oatmeal
Olive Oil
Apple Vinegar
Cinnamon

Cans:
Peas
Tuna
Chicken
Black Olives
Spam
Lipton’s (or similar unwatered-down) Cream of Mushroom soup

Packages:
Macaroni and Cheese
Angel Hair Pasta
Lipton instant side dishes
Chicken Cup-a-soup
Uncle Ben’s rice
Peanut Butter
Sliced Bread
Triscuits
Instant Mashed Potatoes in the single serving size (good lord they are crappy, but for sure don’t use FLAKES, the newer ones are edible and a few are tasty, and doing your own mashed ‘taters at home ain’t no small task, precious).

You should be able to fit all the needed supplies and equipment into one moving box and easily into the space above your desk in a dorm room.
WHERE you eat it is your choice, but in Calhoun Hall, open flame was not allowed in the dining hall (nor, I think in the bedrooms, though … I don’t recall as I tend to ignore restrictions on any type of fire.)

For some great ideas to get you started, check this out:

http://thehotplate.net/default.php

Thrasher and I will post our own ideas on this later as well.

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I found this at a local FamilyMart (a convenience store chain here in Taiwan and Japan). The Chinese characters in white are “O Ba Ma”… convenient, but they mean Good European Horse (in order of appearance “Europe Good-Horse”).

(Note: Single Serve… LETS HOPE!)

This is gold.

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Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the true king of candies:

This candy is probably too good for you to appreciate.

Pictured above is the Lindt Excellence 99% Cocoa Bar. This is not a chocolate bar for the timid or the weak. Consumption of this confectionery should be done at your own risk. If you are even slightly hesitant, then do not purchase this bar.

I am almost wholly certain that your debile palate is woefully unprepared and undeserving of its heavenly bittersweet nature, and those around you would not tolerate your incessant whimpering when you nestle a square on that clumsy appendage you call a tongue.

In fact, you insufferable boor, you should probably just sneak back to the pedestrian megamarket and pluck one of the homogeneous, over-processed packaged goo previously mentioned and, with a stupid, infantile grin on your Mongoloid visage, masticate its prosaic flavor like a good little simian.

The Lindt Excellence 99% Cocoa Bar demands retribution from the lowly cur for perpetuating the gustatory perception brought about by the analogous products found in your average urban bazaar.

If, on the other hand, you do comprise the upper echelon of society, then you should likely find its lacerative sapidity quite pleasing. To you, I say, bravo!

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So who are the winners?

Its hard to say, and I think context is important for ranking the top candies. First, lets look at the conditions under which candy is consumed.
Baring the situation in which “candy” is what satisfies my “sweet tooth,” the following are the situations in which candy seems to be most commonly consumed reasonably:

1) Snacking
2) Re-energizing
3) Movies
4) Depression compensation
5) Elation compliment
6) Party Consumption
7) Easter
8) Christmas
9) Halloween

So I will give my winners in the above categories:

1) Snacking

I'm probably eating these now

2) Re-energizing

Satisfies you.

3) Movies

Peas, peas, peas, peas, eatin' goober's peas...

4) Depression Compensation

Good for watching Terms of Endearment...

5) Elation Compliment

Dustin Hoffman in a wax paper wrapper...

6) Party Consumption

M&M, the only candy that sounds like what you say when eating it...

7) Easter

Bawk! Bawk!

8) Christmas

Look for it in your stocking!

9) Halloween

Viking Candy! YES!!!

MPM’s Favorite all time candy?

Go Bucks!!!

These are my pics for the pantheon of candies. Eat well!

-MPM

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What you need:

- Chinese chili peppers (in a jar, usually preserved in oil, though dry could work…), chopped into 1/4″, 1/3″. or 1/2″ slices (listed as chopping here because you can buy them pre-chopped in liquid)
- vinegar (Dark could be better, and there is a sweetened vinegar that is only available at Asian markets, but it works well, however you need REGULAR vinegar (And I actually like MALT vinegar as the “regular) as well.)
- sweet light colored Chinese cooking wine (not the dark/red stuff)
- fresh cilantro
- fresh scallions/leeks/green onions (I use garlic stems (always), green onions, and/or leeks)
- Chinese chili oil
unsalted and not honey roasted peanuts
soy sauce
2 heaping teaspoons of sugar

Now, at this point you are thinking: “why no amounts?”

Because: everything is “to taste” but its roughly like this:
- the liquids should make about 1.5 cups. sometimes you want/need more, sometimes less
- the scallions/leeks/green onions (mix, match or just one) should be about the amount that fits in a regular colander.
- I usually use about 1/2-3/4 cup of peanuts
- usually I use a handful plus 1/2 of cilantro
- I chop up the chilis and I usually use 3-5 but sometimes more… it depends… they should be fresh or in a jar so that they are soft and let juices out

Preparation:
- Chop the greens into 1.5″ or shorter (but not TOO short) pieces
- Chop the Cilantro into large pieces (individual leafs and stems is good)
- Mix the cilantro, the other greens and the peanuts together.
- Mix the “sauce” of the oils, wine and vinegars
- put the greens on a plate and sprinkle with the peppers (they could be mixed during the mixing process before)
- Pile a handfull of peanuts on top for serving (then mix at the table)
- Drizzle the “sauce” to taste…
(I do this in a salad bowl, but a deep plate/dish makes it look more cool mounded, it just makes mixing more difficult.)

This dish goes GREAT with Chinese food, but it actually goes well with lots of other things, you might find a good way to use it and post it here.

I found this thing at a spicy hot-pot place here in Taipei, but they wouldn’t tell us the recipe (obviously), but I experimented and found this was exactly as the restaurant had made it… In fact, mine is, of course, better ;)

It will keep in the fridge for about a week in a sealed container, but its appearance is best fresh of course.

Peanut Salad with layers of vegitables and peanuts with peanuts on top, before mixing.

Peanut Salad after mixing.

p.s. you could, of course and as always, add bacon pieces ;)

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Taco Seasoning
Ground Pork and beef (1/2 lb total)
1/2 lb bacon

1 tomato
1/2 medium sized onion

1 can of Low-fat re-fried beans
Shredded Cheddar cheese (I used “taco” cheese for this, but its not necessary)
Shredded Lettuce (used about 1/2 a very small head)
Sour Cream
Chipotle Salsa (but you can use any type you like)
Any damn brand of plan Totilla chips you like
One small (convenience store sized) bag of Nacho Cheesier (or Taco) Doritos

Cook the pork and beef in 1/2 of the taco seasoning and the bacon in the rest, remember that the bacon will produce more grease so its not necessary to add much water for that step of cooking. I personally thing cooking the bacon with the pre-cooked ground meat is best but you can reverse the process. Remember you will BAKE it so don’t over-cook any of the meat.

Spread the chips on the baking surface as shown in the photo below (as you would any nachos)
spread the meat, beans, and onions on top and then sprinkle the cheese on top of that. I also have used Salsa con Queso with mixed results. Personally I think a thick chipotle salsa and Velveeta(tm) is best, but you have to be able to get Velveeta(tm), and that’s not so easy for me sometimes… either way you need some heavier cheese like shredded taco or cheddar.

Bake at about 350 until the whole mess is melted
take it out and apply the sour cream (and guacamole, or whatever you like…)

Spread the tomatoes and lettuce and then use salsa, taco sauce, or whatever your heart desires (we tried all of those) and enjoy.

The result:

The only way to make Nachos

I made this in TAIWAN, so, you may have access to more things than me, but not bad… and damned tasty. My friend Wei seemed to become addicted to it… he kept getting “another helping” haha!

Final step:
Go to the Doctor and get some Lipitor. Then you will be golden…

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This restaurant is in my neighborhood. I’m afraid to see what all the dishes ACTUALLY are….

I think I will have the Sheet Iron.

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