Today is a posting for all those pizza places that put friggin’ HAM on a pizza when I CLEARLY ask for bacon, even using my thickest Appalachian accent.

The lesson is as follows.

Insert Bacon here

Now. I hope this clears things up.

(p.s. Japanese groceries, you need to learn the same…)

Related posts:

1. Employee Branding
2. Hiatus
3. I would like some Halogen Chicken Leg Food Please

-MPM

Bacon is Good for Me

Related posts:

1. Employee Branding
2. What’s black and kind of nutty?
3. The Ultimate “too cool for you” Salad

“Hog futures: I heard that… Hogs don’t have no future. Bacon is not a career.”

—Gallagher, Gallagher: Stuck in the Sixties

Related posts:

1. A Celebration!
2. Language Lessons

In this process, I looked back on all the times I wanted an excuse to bring a girl to my college dorm room and impress her somehow. If you can cook her a meal, I thought, it would be good, but I was perpetually frustrated by the lack of a decent kitchen. I myself like to eat well, and I was blessed by living in Cincinnati, which, despite its flaws, is a particularly good place to eat (though I got fat on Taiwanese food… hmm..)

After I had a nice big apartment (The Mosh Pit), I had the luxury of a huge kitchen and TWO fridges (albeit shared with the likes of culinary snob Thrasher, and Vegetarian Lothar, and pot-destroying Megadave). However, now, having returned to more caveman roots and needing to keep space-use to a minimum, I have again pondered how to eat well without breaking the bank, or the space limit. To that end, I bring you “The Dorm Gourmet.”

The focus is on building an initial stock of basic supplies and equipment (for you college readers this is read as “a list of stuff for mom to get you”), and then being able to prepare quality, impressive meals for 2-4 for under $20.

I will start with what you need to keep in stock. Most are long-lasting/non perishable, but some require the standard mini-fridge to keep.

In the interest of not cluttering up space on TMP.net’s front face, I will make the rest of this posting (an intro post as it is) a click-to-expand link.

What you will need to be a dorm gourmet:

Tools:
Hot Plate
750-800Watt Microwave
George Forman Mini Grill (2-4 pattie size)
Corningwear or similar ceramic vessles of 2quart
size that are microwaveable and bakeable
Large Spoon
12″ or 14″ Skillet
14″ Saucepan
Ziplock Sandwich Bags
ladle
pairing knife
large gnereal purpose knife
cutting board
two spoons
two forks
two knives
two big plates
two small plates
two cereal or soup bowls
two glasses
In the Fridge:

Milk
Mayonnaise (not Miracle whip unless you like it…)
Mustard
Ketchup
Tabasco (I use Chipotle and original)
Butter or Margarine
1 can of Cheap Beer
Parmesian Cheese
Grated Cheddar Cheese
Jam or Jelly
Bacon
Dill Pickles
Carrots
Salsa

In the Freezer:
Ice
Booze

In the Cupboard:

No Salt Mrs. Dash
Salt (sea salt in a grinder bottle is good)
Pepper (Black pepper in a grinder bottle)
Chinese Hot Chili Oil
Garlic Powder
Celery powder/Celery Salt
Oregano
Parsley
Sage
Rosmary
Thyme (thanks S&G)
Basil
Bay Leaves
Chili Powder
“Italian Seasoning”
Worcestershire Sauce
Oatmeal
Olive Oil
Apple Vinegar
Cinnamon

Cans:
Peas
Tuna
Chicken
Black Olives
Spam
Lipton’s (or similar unwatered-down) Cream of Mushroom soup

Packages:
Macaroni and Cheese
Angel Hair Pasta
Lipton instant side dishes
Chicken Cup-a-soup
Uncle Ben’s rice
Peanut Butter
Sliced Bread
Triscuits
Instant Mashed Potatoes in the single serving size (good lord they are crappy, but for sure don’t use FLAKES, the newer ones are edible and a few are tasty, and doing your own mashed ‘taters at home ain’t no small task, precious).

You should be able to fit all the needed supplies and equipment into one moving box and easily into the space above your desk in a dorm room.
WHERE you eat it is your choice, but in Calhoun Hall, open flame was not allowed in the dining hall (nor, I think in the bedrooms, though … I don’t recall as I tend to ignore restrictions on any type of fire.)

For some great ideas to get you started, check this out:

http://thehotplate.net/default.php

Thrasher and I will post our own ideas on this later as well.

No related posts.

What you need:

- Chinese chili peppers (in a jar, usually preserved in oil, though dry could work…), chopped into 1/4″, 1/3″. or 1/2″ slices (listed as chopping here because you can buy them pre-chopped in liquid)
- vinegar (Dark could be better, and there is a sweetened vinegar that is only available at Asian markets, but it works well, however you need REGULAR vinegar (And I actually like MALT vinegar as the “regular) as well.)
- sweet light colored Chinese cooking wine (not the dark/red stuff)
- fresh cilantro
- fresh scallions/leeks/green onions (I use garlic stems (always), green onions, and/or leeks)
- Chinese chili oil
unsalted and not honey roasted peanuts
soy sauce
2 heaping teaspoons of sugar

Now, at this point you are thinking: “why no amounts?”

Because: everything is “to taste” but its roughly like this:
- the liquids should make about 1.5 cups. sometimes you want/need more, sometimes less
- the scallions/leeks/green onions (mix, match or just one) should be about the amount that fits in a regular colander.
- I usually use about 1/2-3/4 cup of peanuts
- usually I use a handful plus 1/2 of cilantro
- I chop up the chilis and I usually use 3-5 but sometimes more… it depends… they should be fresh or in a jar so that they are soft and let juices out

Preparation:
- Chop the greens into 1.5″ or shorter (but not TOO short) pieces
- Chop the Cilantro into large pieces (individual leafs and stems is good)
- Mix the cilantro, the other greens and the peanuts together.
- Mix the “sauce” of the oils, wine and vinegars
- put the greens on a plate and sprinkle with the peppers (they could be mixed during the mixing process before)
- Pile a handfull of peanuts on top for serving (then mix at the table)
- Drizzle the “sauce” to taste…
(I do this in a salad bowl, but a deep plate/dish makes it look more cool mounded, it just makes mixing more difficult.)

This dish goes GREAT with Chinese food, but it actually goes well with lots of other things, you might find a good way to use it and post it here.

I found this thing at a spicy hot-pot place here in Taipei, but they wouldn’t tell us the recipe (obviously), but I experimented and found this was exactly as the restaurant had made it… In fact, mine is, of course, better ;)

It will keep in the fridge for about a week in a sealed container, but its appearance is best fresh of course.

Peanut Salad with layers of vegitables and peanuts with peanuts on top, before mixing.

Peanut Salad after mixing.

p.s. you could, of course and as always, add bacon pieces ;)

Related posts:

1. THIS is how Nachos are done…
2. Hiatus
3. Condiment of the Gods Contestant 2: Mayonnaise

First:

What the hell is employee branding? This is the image that it conjures for me:

This is branding

Apparently, this is not the definition. It is some ridiculous HR/Marketing term developed to promote employee confidence, consumer confidence, employee welfare, and corporate image.

Next: She wanted me to help with a slogan. Her idea was (pardon the Engrish): “How to Cosmetic <Boss Name>”

To which I replied “that is utterly meaningless.”

And I further replied: I think a good slogan for your boss should be:

“Enormous Penis!”

Viagra, works every time!

I felt I had found a great slogan:

I love it when a plan comes together.

To which she replied:

You sir, are a wanker...

Because apparently her boss looks more like this:

I love you Maurie!

Than this:

Singin' it old skool

To which I replied:

“Cozy Vagina ?”

I love it when a plan comes together.

To which she replied:

Yer an idiot...

To which I replied:

“Employees, the other other other white meat.”

Tasty!!!

To which she replied:

What's wrong with you??

To which I replied:
“Look lady, I’m a damned archaeologist, why are you asking ME?”

To which she replied: *click*

She has not spoken to me in weeks…. *weep*

But the moral of the story is: If someone calls you wanting something you can’t give, just say:

Enormous Penis

and it should take care of the situation.
-MPM

Related posts:

1. Reduced blood flow to the brain can induce unconsciousness…
2. What’s black and kind of nutty?
3. Eat this Post-Modernist hags….

]]>