In any case, it is nice to see the kids are taking language lessons from Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, though.

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Today is a posting for all those pizza places that put friggin’ HAM on a pizza when I CLEARLY ask for bacon, even using my thickest Appalachian accent.

The lesson is as follows.

Insert Bacon here

Now. I hope this clears things up.

(p.s. Japanese groceries, you need to learn the same…)

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One should begin their answer with “yes” or “no.” They may later add more information, but answering such a question with commentary is both extremely confusing and somewhat rude. It implies that you do not care what the person asking has said.

So, ladies. Lets review:

When someone asks you a question (usually with the copula “to be,” or the verbs “to have,” or “to do” as in “Are you a god?” or “Do you like anal?” or “Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?”) You should start your answer with

YES

NO

And not with:

“Well, I went shopping today and I found this great sweater and it totally suits you, you should wear more brown, you know that? It really looks good on you…. and by the way, why did you not pick up the phone immediately when I called just now, were you having sex?? oh! are you free Thursday, my girlfriends want to go out and practice our Estonian at this great Latvian restaurant that serves only healthy grains and seaweed… some of them would like to talk to you in English for .0004 seconds…….”

That’s… confusing and irritating and it usually pisses us men off. So, instead of bitching about how hard it is to communicate with men, please learn to use the language properly first. If you are unable to answer at the moment, please say so. “I’m sorry I’m busy, I will answer in a moment.”

Its hard to communicate with toddlers too… shall men treat you like that???
Lesson concluded.

Please Pay Attention

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I found this at a local FamilyMart (a convenience store chain here in Taiwan and Japan). The Chinese characters in white are “O Ba Ma”… convenient, but they mean Good European Horse (in order of appearance “Europe Good-Horse”).

(Note: Single Serve… LETS HOPE!)

This is gold.

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I especially like the knife-wielding dude with the do-rag under his nose….

I thought this was the end-all-be all of videos like this until I found…

But not to be outdone, some Dutch folk came up with this gem NOT WORK SAFE:

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First:

What the hell is employee branding? This is the image that it conjures for me:

This is branding

Apparently, this is not the definition. It is some ridiculous HR/Marketing term developed to promote employee confidence, consumer confidence, employee welfare, and corporate image.

Next: She wanted me to help with a slogan. Her idea was (pardon the Engrish): “How to Cosmetic <Boss Name>”

To which I replied “that is utterly meaningless.”

And I further replied: I think a good slogan for your boss should be:

“Enormous Penis!”

Viagra, works every time!

I felt I had found a great slogan:

I love it when a plan comes together.

To which she replied:

You sir, are a wanker...

Because apparently her boss looks more like this:

I love you Maurie!

Than this:

Singin' it old skool

To which I replied:

“Cozy Vagina ?”

I love it when a plan comes together.

To which she replied:

Yer an idiot...

To which I replied:

“Employees, the other other other white meat.”

Tasty!!!

To which she replied:

What's wrong with you??

To which I replied:
“Look lady, I’m a damned archaeologist, why are you asking ME?”

To which she replied: *click*

She has not spoken to me in weeks…. *weep*

But the moral of the story is: If someone calls you wanting something you can’t give, just say:

Enormous Penis

and it should take care of the situation.
-MPM

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