Happy New Year (2010 (or 99 for those of you who keep count ;)) !!! (Part II)
by Mosh Pit Matt on February 12, 2010
in Current Depravity, Essays, Pictures
One of the great things about living in a Chinese country or Chinese-influenced country (like Thailand or Singapore or whatnot) is that you get TWO New Years each year. Tomorrow (Feb. 14, Valentines day) is the date on which the lunar New Year falls this year (it recesses with the lunar cycle, sort of, and its far more complicated than that…, if you want an explanation post a comment :P… I lecture 3 whole classes in my ethnoastronomy course on the precession of the equinoxes and synodic(moon-based) and sidereal(in our case Sun-based) years.). As such, I will be largely out of commission until the main event (New Year’s eve and New Year’s day) have passed.
Exit the Ox....
Enter the Tiger!
This has been the year of the Ox… but Enter… the TIGER. In an ironic twist, last night my friend almost hit a cow on her way home… for those of you in the states (especially the western U.S.) that would not seem totally odd… but this is was in a crowded city…. in Taiwan… a country with few cows… she said two police men were running after it… sadly she did not get a photo… haha.
Anyway… I wish you all good fortunes in the coming New Year, both Solar AND Lunar.
Reduced blood flow to the brain can induce unconsciousness…
by Mosh Pit Matt on January 19, 2010
in Essays, Pictures, Randomness, Tasteless, The Mosh Pit
While discussing recent health problems, Thrasher informed me that, because his unit is roughly in scale (meaning relative to his body size) with this one:
Monsters of cock!
he has been suffering from bouts of blacking out from the huge amount of blood being withheld in his enormous penis.
To which I replied: Boo face for you!! (see below)
Extreme Boo face!!!
To which he said “its o.k., I usually can’t keep it going long enough to make a difference”:
Worse than ShamWow Vince?
But I then informed him of my problem with extraordinarily large balls:
Actual drawing of MPM
but that I shoot enormous loads:
I got sperm that jingle jangle jingles!
so I figured it was o.k….
Employee Branding
by Mosh Pit Matt on November 17, 2009
in Current Depravity, EngRish, Essays, Pictures, Randomness, Tasteless
An Unnamed HR professional with whom regular visitors to this site may be familiar recently called me for help with finding a good slogan to promote her boss and the employees of her company. Some of the following is factual, some is … for entertainment. All of which is utter nonsense…
First:
What the hell is employee branding? This is the image that it conjures for me:
This is branding
Apparently, this is not the definition. It is some ridiculous HR/Marketing term developed to promote employee confidence, consumer confidence, employee welfare, and corporate image.
Next: She wanted me to help with a slogan. Her idea was (pardon the Engrish): “How to Cosmetic <Boss Name>”
To which I replied “that is utterly meaningless.”
And I further replied: I think a good slogan for your boss should be:
“Enormous Penis!”
Viagra, works every time!
I felt I had found a great slogan:
I love it when a plan comes together.
To which she replied:
You sir, are a wanker...
Because apparently her boss looks more like this:
I love you Maurie!
Than this:
Singin' it old skool
To which I replied:
“Cozy Vagina ?”
I love it when a plan comes together.
To which she replied:
Yer an idiot...
To which I replied:
“Employees, the other other other white meat.”
Tasty!!!
To which she replied:
What's wrong with you??
To which I replied:
“Look lady, I’m a damned archaeologist, why are you asking ME?”
To which she replied: *click*
She has not spoken to me in weeks…. *weep*
But the moral of the story is: If someone calls you wanting something you can’t give, just say:
Enormous Penis
and it should take care of the situation.
-MPM
This is why you drink…
by Mosh Pit Matt on October 17, 2009
in Current Depravity, Graphs
Many of this guy’s posts are pretty funny. But I really liked the Aphex Twin-induced seriousness of this sublimely funny little vid.
Yes, this is nice, but, you see… Other places totally kick ass
by Mosh Pit Matt on September 5, 2009
in Current Depravity
I saw this ridiculous story today.
Don't Fly U.S. Carriers
Do you know, they charge international rates to fly to Hawaii from the U.S. and keep the flight path to a minimum of 5:59 so that they don’t have to serve free food (any flight longer than 6:00 as scheduled or international flights must still serve food). The flight is invariably 6:30-6:40 “due to unexpected headwinds”… what??? you are flying WEST across the PACIFIC, you don’t expect headwinds???… try convincing a meteorologist…
Anyway, in Asia, its rare to have a non-international flight, but in places like Japan its commonplace. And no, they don’t serve food from Osaka to Tokyo, the flight is like 45 minutes, but, damn near every flight to or from Taiwan has food service, even to Hong Kong! You don’t have time to unwrap the fork before they collect trays!!! That flight is 1:45 and they serve full meals, free booze and will go get your favorite soft drink from first class if they are out of it in coach!!!
U.S. airlines suck ass. Fat, surly, bitchy, whiney, unattentive… unATTENTIVE flight ATTENDANTS, pay-for-food, ridiculous airline security regulations promoted by airlnes to make money, terrible miles programs, and other bullshit have made me glad I converted to Asian carriers who parter with U.S. carriersand provide absolutely outstanding service…. I can get a GOUT FREE meal on Cathay Pacific… free! see that offered on any U.S. carriers???? haha no, what you see is YOU-PAY “soggy turkey sandwich” (from which I will recieve an immediate gout attack) or “sorry, we are out of that” (because they likely carried 3 of whatever it was). Airlines need to cut costs by reinforcing the notion of SERVICE to their employees.. but hell, what do I know, I live in Asia where tipping is considered rude because doing their fucking job is PART OF THE JOB.
“We know you have choices in flying, and thank you for selecting <insert airline name>, fly with us again.” Fuck you, I’ll use my Marco Polo card and fly on your airline using Cathay Pacific or China Airlines or ANA and they make the money and you can suck my balls… a service provided by Thai Airways and Singapore Airways, by the way… they charge… the same price as a gout-inducing turkey sandwich.
